


I Don't Want to Lose You

by shortest_hamilmom



Category: Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 15:45:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7393558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shortest_hamilmom/pseuds/shortest_hamilmom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben has a sudden realization which sends him into full panic mode. Caleb comforts him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Want to Lose You

Caleb Brewster and Benjamin Tallmadge have known each other since they were kids, and they were so in love with each other. However neither of them knew it was mutual. The various signs of care they gave each other was seen as just friends protecting each other. Like when Caleb stayed behind with Ben to nurse him back to health whilst unconscious from hypothermia. Or when Caleb almost got himself killed when he was about to go berserk after his uncle was killed, Ben tackled him to the ground trying to get him to calm down.

One day, as they were riding side by side on horseback Ben looks over to Caleb, he sits there observing the troops they are leading back to camp after their latest scrimmage with the British, he has several cuts and bruises on his face alone.That’s when it occurred to Ben: _either one of them could die at any point_. Then, as his mind explored the possibilities a sudden sinking feeling pulled at his stomach and climbed up his throat, he felt sick, his hands started shaking and clutching the reins of his horse tighter. If you looked close enough, his eyes slightly glossed over, ready to cry, he looked down to try and hide it.

“Oi, Tallboy.” Caleb was tugging at the sleeve of Ben’s uniform, tugging him from his thoughts. His head shot up and he looked at his best friend, “You alright? You ain’t lookin’ too good.” His hand now gripped his shoulder protectively. Ben took a moment and swallowed his dark thoughts, he looked at him again, studying his features, “Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” he said slowly, questioning himself. Caleb stares back at him taking in his words, then he squeezes his shoulder and pats it twice, then goes back to staring forward. Ben, however, kept staring his direction for an extra second, then did the same.

***

Later that night, after reporting to Washington, the two head back to Ben’s tent. Ever since the realization, Ben’s been out of it, he wasn’t acting right, it was like his personality, his _happiness_ , had been sucked out of him, and Caleb noticed.

“Alright what’s been up with you today?” Caleb stares him down with his hands at his hips after Ben sits down at his desk. Ben furrows his brows, “...What?” he asks, trying to understand what he was referring to. Caleb sighs frustrated, “You’ve been acting weird since before we got back today, so just...tell me what’s wrong.” He muttered the last part while looking down, fixing his jacket nervously. Ben tries to find the right words, “I’m..fine, Caleb. Okay?” he decides to act defensive, he goes back to mindlessly looking through the papers on his desk to avoid eye contact.

Caleb, now irritated, slams his hands in front of Ben on the desk, which makes him look up. “Listen, Benny. If we’re gonna get through this, you gotta tell me everything.” Their faces are so close to each other Caleb can feel Ben’s scared pants and Ben can see the frustration in Caleb’s eyes. Ben looks to the side and waits a few seconds, looking back to Caleb and the ground. He stands up rapidly and walks towards the other side of the tent while saying quickly, “I don’t want to lose you.” Caleb pauses, deciphering his words, “You what?” he asks for clarification. Ben rubs his face with his hand, “I don’t want to lose you.” He says slower and more audible, Caleb stands silent, urging him to continue.

“Look, today I realized we are actually risking our lives here, both of us could die at any point.” He paces quickly back and forth in front of Caleb as he watches. “Like what if- what if you die on your way to or from Setauket? I would never know until some courier tells me you’ve been gone for several weeks at that point.” His words get faster and his breathing gets lighter as panic slowly takes over him. “What if I die on the field? And I leave you behind or you have to drag me back? I don’t want to lose you- I-I can’t!” He ends his rant with his arms wide open in a final hand gesture, his eyes are wide and he is panting. That’s when Caleb wraps his arms around Ben’s torso and hugs him tightly, burying his face into his uniform.

Ben looks around as he slowly is pulled back from his panic, he looks down and sees Caleb hugging his chest, and slowly wraps his arms around Caleb, burying his face in Caleb’s hair. They stay like that until Ben’s breathing gets close to normal again, then Caleb pulls back, still holding Ben’s sides. “Ben, lookit me,” He looks up at his friend, Ben meets his eyes. “Neither one of us are gonna die during this war, if we do, we’re dyin’ together by each other’s sides. Alright?” One of his hands reaches up and holds Ben’s face. Ben sighs and closes his eyes, he bows his head, “Caleb..” He mutters the name and Caleb gets goosebumps, seeing the stoic, yet lovable Benjamin Tallmadge scared and panicked and on the brink of tears made him want to scream.

“You’re okay, _we’re okay_ ,” Caleb whispers, the hand that remains on Ben’s side softly rubs his back to try and calm him down. “Let me tell you something,” Caleb sighed, “When you fell into the Delaware, I was scared you weren’t gonna make it, especially on the third day you didn’t wake up. But I knew you were still there, you wouldn’t leave me so suddenly, so I stayed at your side until you woke up.” Ben lifted his head to connect with Caleb’s eyes, his bright blue eyes glossy with tears welling up. Now one of Caleb’s hands rested on one of Ben’s shoulders and the other was at the small of his back pulling him closer. “Yeah it’s dangerous, but we have each other’s back, right?” Caleb reassured him. Ben nodded, a small smile forming.

Ben looked down at Caleb, focusing on his warm light brown eyes, Caleb kept looking back and forth between Ben’s beautiful blue eyes and his soft lips. The hand he had on Ben’s shoulder moved to the back of his neck and pulled his head down so he could meet him. Ben did not protest and even leaned in on his own, they closed the space between them in a long-awaited kiss. It was slow, comforting, gentle, both of them were testing the waters; Ben enveloped Caleb in his arms as Caleb wrapped his arms around Ben’s neck. After a few more seconds they detached slowly, they looked into each other’s eyes and pressed their foreheads together.

“Well, that was a long-time comin’, eh, Tallboy?” Caleb asks jokingly and Ben just chuckles as a tear slips down his cheek. Caleb wipes it with his thumb, he kisses him again passionately, afterwards they just stay hugging. Caleb spends the night in Ben’s tent.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so that was my first official fic, whew! I somehow was able to write this all in one go, (from midnight to 3am). I hope all of you like it!


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